I don’t know if you even look at my tumblr anymore or not and even if you do I don’t know if you will read this. I have been trying to write this again and again for the past few days. Many times it has just been thoughts going through my mind of what I wanted to say to you. I guess first of all, I really miss you and I love you though I know that probably doesnt matter really. You can wear the bracelet I got you still if you want to or do whatever you like with it. The symbolism for it is no longer there. Make sure to use the external I gave you to back up everything precious to you. I still plan on wearing the shirt you got me and keeping the blanket beside me because it always helped me feel like you were laying beside me. I still have a little bit of the candy your mom made left and I just can’t seem to finish it but I don’t want to get rid of it. I had a hard time getting rid of the box you packed my gifts in. I have the letter you wrote me and the cds you made as well. If you don’t want any of the stuff I gave you then that is fine. Every thing I gave you was something special and I hope you cherished them.
This right here so difficult for me. I am hurting but I haven’t even been able to cry. For some reason I can’t bring the tears out that I feel are inside. My chest hurts so often when I think of you. I miss you so much but I am trying to just keep away. Each time I think about looking at your tumblr I refrain because I am scared I will see something I don’t like and it will hurt even more. I wish you would have just been honest with me in the first place instead of doing this all behind my back and just ignoring me until you were tired of me texting. That hurt so much. You said you kept it from me because you care and love me but that isn’t how love and caring work. You made me feel like a failure because I couldn’t get there in time and you didn’t want to wait any longer. I tried.. I really did. I felt all the same feelings of loneliness as you did. I feel betrayed from all of this and just hurt because you couldn’t be honest with me. I don’t know whether you want to be friends or not but even if you do I don’t think I can be one any time soon. I am hurting too much and don’t want to feel any worse now. I don’t know what was going through your head with all of this or how you even feel now that you aren’t talking to me. I know you so well but this was something I never expected and makes me feel like I really didn’t know you at all. Things were so good a few weeks ago but maybe I was just blind to it all. This sucks.
I miss you so much, I keep thinking about you all the time and it makes things even harder. We haven’t talked since it all happened and I am too scared to go on your tumblr. I deleted your number and skype user but I remember them both. I kept all your voicemails because I just couldn’t delete them. I miss falling asleep with you on skype and waking up to you getting ready for work or surfing tumblr while you watch me sleep. I miss your calls late at night when you have to work the night shift or early in the morning before you go to work. I keep wanting to take breaks in hopes that you will call and we can talk but I know that wont happen. All of the shows that we watched together I keep wanting to stay away from but I watched the Community finale and I wish it would have been with you. I know things went stale with us for a bit and I was trying to figure out things we could do but I guess I just kinda suck with ideas. I am going to miss your smile and dancing on skype together and having you stop and just laugh while I dance. I would dance even harder just to hear you laugh more because I loved it so much. I told all of my family and friends about you and now I don’t know what to tell them about this. I always was proud to talk about you to them. You are really something special Nicole and I hate that this happened. I wish I could have been good enough for you and it all would have worked.
This is probably going to be my last post on tumblr for a while. I may even make a new one but I doubt that will happen. I just wanted you to know how I felt and how much you really meant to me.